I'm not sure where it comes from

I'm not exactly sure where my inspiration to continue comes from....it just does and I don't know how to live my life any differently. Cancer just has a way of becoming normal after awhile...a way of life...and accepting it just happens. I have met many people in my life who inspire me on many levels...and you know what....their answers on how they do it are almost the same as mine....they just do and to them they don't understand what the big deal is. Take Chris for example....a man I met in Denver just recently....in a wheel chair because some idiot 1 year ago hit him on his motorcycle and left him for dead....which is what he should be. How do you accept walking for 30 something years and then waking up in a hospital bed one day paralyzed from your chest down....you just do....and that is exactly what Chris said.

Since I have moved away from San Diego....which has been just over a year now....my life has dramatically changed and from my point of view I'm not exactly sure if it is for the better or not. To some I inspire; which is very bizarre for me accept, because my life is so hectic that I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. From the rebirth of my cancer, financial woes and so many other losses that I have faced over the course of the last 3 years I'm not even sure how the hell I am still here. I pursue and move ahead though because it is a natural instinct, something that we all have actually....it is called survival mode....so why is it that we hardly ever recognize it until we are faced with adversity?

My worst nightmare is ending up homeless. I drive down the street from my house everyday and see the same homeless people without fail, it's like clockwork. In fact, I have never seen as many homeless people...or maybe it's just that I never really paid attention to them until now. I'm not saying Denver is a bad place, because it's not at all. It's beautiful and I am enjoying getting to know my new city...even though it's as intimidating as hell to do this at this stage in my life....and it's definitely not easy getting to know something new when something old keeps dragging my ass back to California. Maybe I take notice of the homeless more because I have never been so close to it myself, at least that is how I feel. Cancer has forced so much out of my life...and my lively hood has taken the biggest hit. I never thought at 39 I would be going on round 2 of battling cancer....have lost my business no thanks to cancers grip on my life and of course the economy doesn't help....go back to school and be forced to move out of the city that I loved because bottom line it's just too expensive for me to be there now. It truly blows to be in this position...but something keeps telling me that it's going to get better. I mean...it could be worse...right?

True friends and those who really love you stand out the most when you hit hard times.....and man do I have a lot of people who love me....and I am so grateful for that! Things may be hard...but I have great friends who listen and offer some of the best advice. All of my bumps have prompted me to take a new stand in my life, one that says "I deserve" instead of I'm just going to settle. For the first time in my life I am able to walk away from things that aren't good for me, things that don't hold my best interest at heart. So my advice to anyone...take that same approach and don't wait for something to happen to you before you do.

I am nervous as all get up for my surgery this Friday...why...because I am so afraid that once again I am going to get another pathology report that says the cancer is still there. I have heard that phrase one too many times and after awhile it becomes the norm. By no means will this surgery come anywhere close to what this last one was....no long recovery time thank god. I'm still recovering from this last surgery....5 weeks and counting...but I can tell you I'm not as sore and I am slowly coming back to life. Getting back to the gym can not come any faster...to me...that has been one of the hardest parts. Yeah yeah, what a shocker to those of you who know me. I would just like to be able to run without my boob feeling like it's going to fall off! :) It's the little things.

Because this whole blog thing is so new to me I'm not really sure how they are suppose to begin or end for that matter....so I guess the easiest way to end is just to say Good night....I'm freaking tired! :)