I think I would like to write words for a living, because I never realized (until now) how many I have to say. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night writing things down that are running through my head......phrases, ideas, you name it it's in there.....and now for some reason I want to share them.
I saw this sign the other day at the gym, it said your health is a reflection of your happiness or vice versa...I can't remember exactly. I just stood there thinking...."What?" So.....as long as your not ill your allowed to be happy? Can I just tell you that before I was diagnosed with cancer I was extremely happy and didn't even know I was sick. In fact the seven months before I was diagnosed were some of the best times I have ever had and I felt so complete at that time....and then whammy! So I'm gonna go ahead and completely disagree with that statement....it's rubbish!
Has anyone ever tried those dating sites? Ya know, Match, E-Harmony, find your perfectmate.com? I don't even know if that last one exists, it just sounded good. Well, do they make anyone else feel like shit or is it just me? I think for the first time in my life I'm starting to realize that at 39 I might be considered too old for some men. So, is this age discrimination? My god....have I really gotten to this point in my life? I don't feel any different then I did at 20, it's just that the number attached to my age keeps getting higher...but not how I feel about myself....that doesn't really change. If anything I actually feel better and think I look better now then even 10 years ago......but I believe I get passed by (even by guys my own age) on these sites (not that I'm on any currently....ok....maybe just one) because of how old I am. So should I have lied to give myself a better chance? If these guys met me in person, saw me at the grocery store, gas station or just out and about in general....just let me toot my own horn for 5 seconds (and not in a stuck up way....that is soooo not me) they would take notice and not think I was my age at all. I just take shitty pictures! I think I am starting to realize the everyday facts of life more often now, and I'm not sure if I like them all.
Still no update on the new surgery date :( . Getting cut open sooner then later has never looked so good.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Postponed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh!!!!!! OK....so as you can gather by the enticing headline my surgery for this Friday has been POSTPONED. I am just so excited about it....you can the sarcasm can't you? :) I got sick last week...sinus infection or something of that nature but never actually doctor diagnosed just self diagnosed so I ended up doctoring myself with left over Doxycycline. It worked...but unfortunately because of my honest nature to tell my physician that I was ill and taking meds she felt the need to cancel on me.....bummer!!! I have no new update as to when the surgery is now, but I should know by tomorrow and I'm hoping it will be next week. To be continued.....
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I'm not sure where it comes from
I'm not exactly sure where my inspiration to continue comes from....it just does and I don't know how to live my life any differently. Cancer just has a way of becoming normal after awhile...a way of life...and accepting it just happens. I have met many people in my life who inspire me on many levels...and you know what....their answers on how they do it are almost the same as mine....they just do and to them they don't understand what the big deal is. Take Chris for example....a man I met in Denver just recently....in a wheel chair because some idiot 1 year ago hit him on his motorcycle and left him for dead....which is what he should be. How do you accept walking for 30 something years and then waking up in a hospital bed one day paralyzed from your chest down....you just do....and that is exactly what Chris said.
Since I have moved away from San Diego....which has been just over a year now....my life has dramatically changed and from my point of view I'm not exactly sure if it is for the better or not. To some I inspire; which is very bizarre for me accept, because my life is so hectic that I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. From the rebirth of my cancer, financial woes and so many other losses that I have faced over the course of the last 3 years I'm not even sure how the hell I am still here. I pursue and move ahead though because it is a natural instinct, something that we all have actually....it is called survival mode....so why is it that we hardly ever recognize it until we are faced with adversity?
My worst nightmare is ending up homeless. I drive down the street from my house everyday and see the same homeless people without fail, it's like clockwork. In fact, I have never seen as many homeless people...or maybe it's just that I never really paid attention to them until now. I'm not saying Denver is a bad place, because it's not at all. It's beautiful and I am enjoying getting to know my new city...even though it's as intimidating as hell to do this at this stage in my life....and it's definitely not easy getting to know something new when something old keeps dragging my ass back to California. Maybe I take notice of the homeless more because I have never been so close to it myself, at least that is how I feel. Cancer has forced so much out of my life...and my lively hood has taken the biggest hit. I never thought at 39 I would be going on round 2 of battling cancer....have lost my business no thanks to cancers grip on my life and of course the economy doesn't help....go back to school and be forced to move out of the city that I loved because bottom line it's just too expensive for me to be there now. It truly blows to be in this position...but something keeps telling me that it's going to get better. I mean...it could be worse...right?
True friends and those who really love you stand out the most when you hit hard times.....and man do I have a lot of people who love me....and I am so grateful for that! Things may be hard...but I have great friends who listen and offer some of the best advice. All of my bumps have prompted me to take a new stand in my life, one that says "I deserve" instead of I'm just going to settle. For the first time in my life I am able to walk away from things that aren't good for me, things that don't hold my best interest at heart. So my advice to anyone...take that same approach and don't wait for something to happen to you before you do.
I am nervous as all get up for my surgery this Friday...why...because I am so afraid that once again I am going to get another pathology report that says the cancer is still there. I have heard that phrase one too many times and after awhile it becomes the norm. By no means will this surgery come anywhere close to what this last one was....no long recovery time thank god. I'm still recovering from this last surgery....5 weeks and counting...but I can tell you I'm not as sore and I am slowly coming back to life. Getting back to the gym can not come any faster...to me...that has been one of the hardest parts. Yeah yeah, what a shocker to those of you who know me. I would just like to be able to run without my boob feeling like it's going to fall off! :) It's the little things.
Because this whole blog thing is so new to me I'm not really sure how they are suppose to begin or end for that matter....so I guess the easiest way to end is just to say Good night....I'm freaking tired! :)
Since I have moved away from San Diego....which has been just over a year now....my life has dramatically changed and from my point of view I'm not exactly sure if it is for the better or not. To some I inspire; which is very bizarre for me accept, because my life is so hectic that I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. From the rebirth of my cancer, financial woes and so many other losses that I have faced over the course of the last 3 years I'm not even sure how the hell I am still here. I pursue and move ahead though because it is a natural instinct, something that we all have actually....it is called survival mode....so why is it that we hardly ever recognize it until we are faced with adversity?
My worst nightmare is ending up homeless. I drive down the street from my house everyday and see the same homeless people without fail, it's like clockwork. In fact, I have never seen as many homeless people...or maybe it's just that I never really paid attention to them until now. I'm not saying Denver is a bad place, because it's not at all. It's beautiful and I am enjoying getting to know my new city...even though it's as intimidating as hell to do this at this stage in my life....and it's definitely not easy getting to know something new when something old keeps dragging my ass back to California. Maybe I take notice of the homeless more because I have never been so close to it myself, at least that is how I feel. Cancer has forced so much out of my life...and my lively hood has taken the biggest hit. I never thought at 39 I would be going on round 2 of battling cancer....have lost my business no thanks to cancers grip on my life and of course the economy doesn't help....go back to school and be forced to move out of the city that I loved because bottom line it's just too expensive for me to be there now. It truly blows to be in this position...but something keeps telling me that it's going to get better. I mean...it could be worse...right?
True friends and those who really love you stand out the most when you hit hard times.....and man do I have a lot of people who love me....and I am so grateful for that! Things may be hard...but I have great friends who listen and offer some of the best advice. All of my bumps have prompted me to take a new stand in my life, one that says "I deserve" instead of I'm just going to settle. For the first time in my life I am able to walk away from things that aren't good for me, things that don't hold my best interest at heart. So my advice to anyone...take that same approach and don't wait for something to happen to you before you do.
I am nervous as all get up for my surgery this Friday...why...because I am so afraid that once again I am going to get another pathology report that says the cancer is still there. I have heard that phrase one too many times and after awhile it becomes the norm. By no means will this surgery come anywhere close to what this last one was....no long recovery time thank god. I'm still recovering from this last surgery....5 weeks and counting...but I can tell you I'm not as sore and I am slowly coming back to life. Getting back to the gym can not come any faster...to me...that has been one of the hardest parts. Yeah yeah, what a shocker to those of you who know me. I would just like to be able to run without my boob feeling like it's going to fall off! :) It's the little things.
Because this whole blog thing is so new to me I'm not really sure how they are suppose to begin or end for that matter....so I guess the easiest way to end is just to say Good night....I'm freaking tired! :)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Where do I begin?
Finally after 3 years it begins! The wait is over my friends! Maybe being forced to drop out of school this semester was a hidden gift so that I could finally start writing....and stop listening to all of you who keep asking me, "When are you starting your blog?" Everything happens for a reason right?
I have so many things to say that I don't even know where to start...or for that matter what to start with. Let's see....Once upon a time, 3 years ago, I was sitting on bench in the middle of downtown Los Angeles when a bee decided to tell me I had cancer. I guess I just didn't appreciate his approach to the matter, a letter would have been nice but stinging me in the armpit......so not cool! And this is where it all begins.
When we receive gifts from God we don't always recognize them. The packaging just isn't right so we just overlook what's being laid out before us. We basically choose to ignore our wake up call because it seems so insignificant, at least at the time. Six months later you realize why it all happened. For those of you who have heard this story 50 times I apologize....but part of this gift of being able to finally lay out my words in writing means informing those (in a shorter version) of how it all began.
Six months after receiving a bee sting to my right armpit I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. The bee sting is what, thus far, has saved my life and started this new journey for me. It has taken me through 5 rounds of chemotherapy, 7 weeks of radiation, 8 surgeries (and counting), a break up, 3 moves (2 of them to other states), therapy, loosing my job, loosing my lifestyle, loosing my cat , reavaluting my friends and family, endless doctor bills, bad credit and going back to school. Oh believe me, this list could be ten times longer, but this is blog right and the more I write the more you will be informed, so why give it all away in the beginning?
None of this has been easy, but somehow the harder it all gets the more I start realizing what life is finally all about. Some say I'm strong, but honestly I have never looked at it like that. I'm not sure why? To me, it's just my life and I don't know any other way of living it. The physical pain is just something I live with, it's the emotional pain that's new for me. Miss Unemotional....if it where a beauty contest I would definitely win. Thanks Mom! (That's another story)
I have been inspired by many to start writing what I have to say, so I am sorry if my blogs take off and start jumping around....it might be A.D.D. :) I promise to make them interesting and informative, because my life is truly interesting to those of you who aren't living it for some reason. :) From surgeries to treatment and my daily struggles this will be an action packed journal filled with joy and of course heartbreak. I mean really what is life without a good love story thrown in the mix....well....the attempts we have at love that is....ok....my attempts at love. :) My life being laid out on the table for all to read....oh my god this is scary!
3 years and counting and the breast cancer battle still carries on. I only had about a 12 month break from cancer (or at least I thought) before this all started up again, and during that time off I mourned the loss of a relationship which seemed to be the only thing that mattered. If I only knew what I knew now it would have played out so much differently! I could kick myself for all that wasted time! Believe me when I say.... your mind is your absolute worst enemy, and if you let it....it will completely take over. Just believe me and don't let it win! This place in my life that I'm at now is not my strongest, but I am so ready to push forward and not give up on my goals, my hopes and what it is that I deserve! I have an unfortunate gift, but it is teaching me well.
So.....for those who are awaiting my cancer update....sorry got caught off guard writing. :) The next surgery is September 11th at Hoag Hospital up in Newport Beach, CA....that is if I can beat this freaking cold! It is yet another attempt for clear margins. The cancer that is still remaining is so small and scattered throughout my right armpit area it has become a maze, and a guessing game for my surgeon. After a freaking double masectomy you would think that there isn't any breast tissue left for this cancer to find, but surprise it finds it, and the feeding frenzy continues. So....prayers that this surgery is it and gets all the cancer once and for all! I will do my best to not suffer from anxiety as I awaite my pathology report on this one. Pathology reports have become my God....the say all and depict all. My plastic surgeon will be there so that basically I still look like I have an armpit and boobs. My back is healing nicely from this past surgery and the removal of my lat muscle to my right breast. It's not the prettiest scar in the world, and I have to admit it makes me insecure on many levels....but my boobs look great! :)
The traveling between Colorado and California continues....and will for several more months. So there will be no shortage of me in San Diego....lots to go around....so I hope to fit in all friends who are there and to those of you who are not, well, pick a city to visit! :) The adventure continues! Till next time.........
I have so many things to say that I don't even know where to start...or for that matter what to start with. Let's see....Once upon a time, 3 years ago, I was sitting on bench in the middle of downtown Los Angeles when a bee decided to tell me I had cancer. I guess I just didn't appreciate his approach to the matter, a letter would have been nice but stinging me in the armpit......so not cool! And this is where it all begins.
When we receive gifts from God we don't always recognize them. The packaging just isn't right so we just overlook what's being laid out before us. We basically choose to ignore our wake up call because it seems so insignificant, at least at the time. Six months later you realize why it all happened. For those of you who have heard this story 50 times I apologize....but part of this gift of being able to finally lay out my words in writing means informing those (in a shorter version) of how it all began.
Six months after receiving a bee sting to my right armpit I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. The bee sting is what, thus far, has saved my life and started this new journey for me. It has taken me through 5 rounds of chemotherapy, 7 weeks of radiation, 8 surgeries (and counting), a break up, 3 moves (2 of them to other states), therapy, loosing my job, loosing my lifestyle, loosing my cat , reavaluting my friends and family, endless doctor bills, bad credit and going back to school. Oh believe me, this list could be ten times longer, but this is blog right and the more I write the more you will be informed, so why give it all away in the beginning?
None of this has been easy, but somehow the harder it all gets the more I start realizing what life is finally all about. Some say I'm strong, but honestly I have never looked at it like that. I'm not sure why? To me, it's just my life and I don't know any other way of living it. The physical pain is just something I live with, it's the emotional pain that's new for me. Miss Unemotional....if it where a beauty contest I would definitely win. Thanks Mom! (That's another story)
I have been inspired by many to start writing what I have to say, so I am sorry if my blogs take off and start jumping around....it might be A.D.D. :) I promise to make them interesting and informative, because my life is truly interesting to those of you who aren't living it for some reason. :) From surgeries to treatment and my daily struggles this will be an action packed journal filled with joy and of course heartbreak. I mean really what is life without a good love story thrown in the mix....well....the attempts we have at love that is....ok....my attempts at love. :) My life being laid out on the table for all to read....oh my god this is scary!
3 years and counting and the breast cancer battle still carries on. I only had about a 12 month break from cancer (or at least I thought) before this all started up again, and during that time off I mourned the loss of a relationship which seemed to be the only thing that mattered. If I only knew what I knew now it would have played out so much differently! I could kick myself for all that wasted time! Believe me when I say.... your mind is your absolute worst enemy, and if you let it....it will completely take over. Just believe me and don't let it win! This place in my life that I'm at now is not my strongest, but I am so ready to push forward and not give up on my goals, my hopes and what it is that I deserve! I have an unfortunate gift, but it is teaching me well.
So.....for those who are awaiting my cancer update....sorry got caught off guard writing. :) The next surgery is September 11th at Hoag Hospital up in Newport Beach, CA....that is if I can beat this freaking cold! It is yet another attempt for clear margins. The cancer that is still remaining is so small and scattered throughout my right armpit area it has become a maze, and a guessing game for my surgeon. After a freaking double masectomy you would think that there isn't any breast tissue left for this cancer to find, but surprise it finds it, and the feeding frenzy continues. So....prayers that this surgery is it and gets all the cancer once and for all! I will do my best to not suffer from anxiety as I awaite my pathology report on this one. Pathology reports have become my God....the say all and depict all. My plastic surgeon will be there so that basically I still look like I have an armpit and boobs. My back is healing nicely from this past surgery and the removal of my lat muscle to my right breast. It's not the prettiest scar in the world, and I have to admit it makes me insecure on many levels....but my boobs look great! :)
The traveling between Colorado and California continues....and will for several more months. So there will be no shortage of me in San Diego....lots to go around....so I hope to fit in all friends who are there and to those of you who are not, well, pick a city to visit! :) The adventure continues! Till next time.........
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